Smashing Smoothies!

So guess oh guess oh GUESS who I saw today?!  

So lately I’ve been walking down the streets of New York and noticing dogs and not people. I even make faces at them or say ‘LOOK AT YOU!’

‘YOU’RE A LITTLE MUSCLE MAN!’

‘LOOK AT THAT FACE! I COULD SQUEEZE IT OFF!’

or

‘WHAT’S THE STORY, WISHBONE?!’

and sometimes I just plain yell out what kind of dog i’m looking at…

‘Springer!’

‘Corgie!’

…’Lab!’…

It’s like a want to say more than just the breed  in reality I guess I just want the owner to know that I know what kind of dog it is…

Or maybe I just want the DOG to know.

Anyway, my story! So I was walking through the east village and I passed a place called liquiteria. A smoothie joint. Right away I noticed a little mighty mouse dog with a smashed in face licking somebody’s smoothie. I looked at the dog and laughed as if we just had a conversation.

‘haha!’……’I know!’…..’Tastes good, right?!’

Then I followed the dog up to noticed who’s dog it was buuuuuut

drummrooolllll….

James Iha from the Smashing Pumpkins!

As a pumpkin fan I fareaaaaked out and called brothaman and I told him James has a dog and he was eatting a smoothie and behind me in the street! Then James followed me down the street…and into the place I was to be doing a delicious beverage demo that day…but shoot! I was too late to give him a sample of my new delicious beverage (demo) I was demo-ing. Shittersssssssssss!

But in my mind we shared a health beverage in a dixie cup and sang–

‘todaaaay is the greaaatest, day i’ve ever knowwwwwwwwwwwn.’

The END.

 

 

 

Do we have 

same 

hair?

‘Mase is back! He’s baaaack!’

Ok, I know ALLLL of you out in ‘cyberspace’ have been missin my words (and punctuation) of wisdom…but dry those eyes…

Because just like hiphop-sidekick-to-Puffy-before-he-was-P Diddy-MASE, I am going from ‘feel so good’ to

‘Maaase is back! He (insert lauraleeee) ‘s BACK!’

Twain Twang

As I jump from bazaar job to bazaar job, wait I mean BIZarre. haha. Wait! That could be a new blog about ‘the Biz’—BIZarre.

One of my good friends recited this poem recently and it poses the question:

Beyond Huck Finn, where has Mark Twain been all my life? Dad was right….

‘What work I have done I have done because it has been play. If it had been work I shouldn’t have done it. Who was it who said, “Blessed is the man who has found his work”? Whoever it was he had the right idea in his mind. Mark you, he says his work–not somebody else’s work. The work that is really a man’s own work is play and not work at all. Cursed is the man who has found some other man’s work and cannot lose it.

When we talk about the great workers of the world we really mean thegreat players of the world. *slightly-to-the-sidenote: beautiful right?! 

The fellows who groan and sweat under the weary load of toil that they bear never can hope to do anything great. How can they when their souls are in a ferment of revolt against the employment of their hands and brains? The product of slavery, intellectual or physical, can never be great.

Mark Twain

Don’t you feel like when he’s saying mark you it’s like ‘Yea…Mark Twain YOU! This is what I think. I’m Mark…(and then he spits in a spittooon–twannng!)…TWAIN.

Awesome poem. Doesn’t it make you want throw in the drink slinging towel and head for the blue green waves of….Costa Rica?!

Ayiyiyiiiii!

Cuckoo-for-conan.org!

So guess what….after years and years of loving Late Night with Conan O’Brien (and the republic of silliness for which it stands) I finally got to see him…LiVe! Well it was taped at 5:30 but still.  

I can count on 3 fingers the celebrities I have ever wanted to run into…

1)Liza Minnelli (check!)—she was wearing a skull n cross bones t-shirts black leggings fake lashes and a lot of love as I walked by her and waited 30 seconds before she passed to say ‘I love you Lizaaaa!’ like a crazed woman and she responded ‘well…tHaNk YOuuUa!’ (her ‘you’ definitely had more vowels in it than a regular you).

2)Dali Lama…well not yet but maybe in Williamsburg?

3)Sheryl Crow….psyche! Conan Christopher O’Brien, of course!

Why, praytell? His SMARTS (i sound like im from 1933) and his SILLIES. You know, the kind that’s based on a person slipping on a banana peel rather than the ‘my life sux’ variety? As budding midwestern children my brother and I grew up on a televisionary diet of  3 stooges, bugs bunny, Mr. Ed and Pee Wee’s Playhouse (duh). I didn’t get ‘hep’ to Conan until I was celebrating New Years–1996-style maybe?–and the he was featuring the “The Central Time Zone Countdown” complete with frollicking cows and stalks of grain dancing through confetti after the ball dropped. Finally! Someone who understood! And that was all I needed to become a bonafied Potatoes O’Brien fan.

Because I generally work nights and well, don’t have a TV…I didn’t get to watch him at his actual time. But thanks to the wonders of the WORLD WIDE WEB (two thumbs up) and video playbacks on NBC I can watch him with my morning cafe au-lait and soggy gluten-free cereal and start the day right.

One of these fine mornings Conan mentioned how he was raffling off some tickets for his last week of shows at ‘conangobyebye.com.’ Never one to turn down a raffle–50/50 anyone?–I sent a quick email to the address and lo and behold…2 weeks later…what to my wondering (wandering?) eyes should appear but….

‘RESERVATION RESERVED! RESERVATION RESERVED! Reservation Reserved! reservation reserved!….'(fade out).

YESSSSSSS!!!! I won! I couldn’t believe it!!! 2 tix for the last week he would be in New York!  I was bursting with fruit flavor. And before I knew it I was at 30 Rocka-fella….

And they sat my beaux and I in the frontROW (didja catch that rhyme?) and I wore a heineken t-shirt turned inside out that read ‘Cuckoo 4 CoNaN’ on it really sloppy-like in black sharpee and Max and his Weinbergs were there and I waved at everyone (the warm-up guy, the Boom mike holder, some guy who came out of the bathroom, etc.) and Carrie Fisher came to save the masturbating bear from being frozen in carbonite and some dude from SNL was on and they showed old clips and I freaked out and  my laughter frightened those around me and well…it was the best.

Getting the opportunity to see it live in it’s last week?!…Amazing!!!! I am one lucky duckling and I don’t take it for granted brotha…sista.

It was a glimmer of hope in these ‘hard times’…haha.

Excited about life!!!

Crazy dreamssss!

So for some reason I have been waking up lately either talking, screaming or laughing out loud….it’s a new fun trait I’ve developed!

I have been known to wake up saying…..

‘We don’t have the reservation for that.’

Or

‘ajaaaajajajmuahjj’

Mostly the latter….

And then there is the occasional night terror. Whaaaaat?! I never remember what happens in these screaming dreams where I wake up sounding like a sea lion in heat (I just imagine it sounds something like this…’eeeeeeaaaaaahhheeaaahhh!’…right?).

But two nights ago I woke up laughing at THE BEST DREAM EVAAAA!

hahaha

So it starts out with my boyfriend hopping on a beach cruiser  wearing flipflops, an unbuttoned hawiian shirts and those long shorts–jams! He’s holding a bunch of bananas and New York is suddenly the Caribbean! Digggg it! IRie IRie! He’s headed to an audition (that part is true). In the meantime I am walking through a hallway with Holli–an old classmate from high school that I haven’t seen in 6 yrs and we pass my barback Ramfis’s empanada stand. He is on a megaphone telling us a story but we are so bored that we just steal an empanada and run! Then my brother Leif is following us and we get to one of those moving walkways…you know the ones in airports? Except this one is supershort–like two carlengths long–and lightning speeeeeed! So Holli gets on gets to the end and catapults off when she hits the end—whaaaammyyyy! She ends up hitting a dented washer and dryer. Then a friar comes out complete with that robe and that circle of hair with a huge bald spot in the middle. He says ‘oooh! watch it there!’ Then I go across and hit the washer and dryer, then Leif and then we see a silver top old granny coming to the walkway. We know we can warn her…we know we SHOULD warn her…but we pretend we don’t have enough time and—-whooooooosh! She FLIES!!!!! hahahaha. And it’s the funniest thing I ever ever ever ever ever have i ever seen! EVER! And that includes the boyscout that my brother and I saw tripping down a hill by the Washington monument in D.C.  So you KNOW it must have been funny. I laughed for 15 minutes after I woke up….hahahahahollollyoxenfreeeeeeee!

Peace brothers and sistas.

LL’s mcginty OUT!

NYC Sk8-ing

Thanks to a referal from a Park Slope inhabitant I found that the best place to iceskate is…

A) Rockefellar Center….psyyyyyche! I love a good Christmas tree n’ all but with the carneys going around selling cotton candy, light up swords and churros it will have you crying out–‘if only life were like that scene in ‘Home Alone 2: Lost in New York!….when kevin mccallister stays there and waits for his mom catherine ohara…and angels are trumpetting and…!’

B) Bryant Park Pond–ahhh a lovely place! And FREE! Except for the $12 skate rental. But the day I tried to go it was adults-dressed-as-animal-characters-day so….

C) Wollman Rink in Central Park–a good runner-up! More room but still busy as hell.

D) Ding ding ding–the winner! Wollman rink at PROSPECT park!!!

That’s right, all the way down to Prospect Park Brookyln on the Q train you can enjoy plenty of space and great skating tunes (from the beach boys to paula cole? hellooo!). My brother and I arrived on an early Friday afternoon-12:30ish and they was only a small schoolgroup, some randoms and US! Hurraaaah! And after getting a looonnnng list of rules—don’t skate backwards, don’t skate and hold hands, don’t skate and take pictures, don’t skate and hold a pair of scissors (pointing outward towards a loved one), don’t skate and eat mexican, don’t skate WITH a Mexican (just kidding Carlos—zing!) we were off and skating under a sunlight winter sky–like victor pretincho and katarina vitt.

ICE DREAMS!!!

price of admission 5

skate rental 6.50

total-11.50

HALF OFF FRIDAYS!!!

admission 2.50

skate rental 6.50

total 8!!!

And the nice lady at the gift shop will hold your bag for up to 2 hrs for 1 dollar so you don’t even have to have a locker. But if you DO have a lock, bring it.

peeeeaaaace! and love 🙂

Best of the Best Episode 1: Tube socks

Getting day in day out compliments on my tube socks–‘laura! where do you buy that CLASSY attire?!’ I’ve decided that I will rate the best TUBES you can buy….

A) Journeys! Yes the midwest mall staple! In NYC you can find one on 34th St. herald sq, there might be one in soho…anyway, you can get a 5-pack for $9.95! I’ve been doing it for years, BEFORE it was cool…wait, is it cool?!

Note: always get the men’s. They are longer and more harlem globe trotter than my little pony.

2) American Apparel! Yes, the half-half naked grainy photos DO make me want to be buy socks! But really and truly, they have some killer tube socks in hothotHOT color combinations–the knee-high in brown and gold is exceptionally amazing but my favorites have to be the THIGH-HIGH tubesocks. Ladies! (or gents) these are amazing under pants on the nippiest of days! Get too hot? Roll-em down half way. Boots feeling to lose? (this might just be one of my issues) roll-em down half way and just under your heel so they sort of hug your ankle, thus hugging your boot to your foot, thus feeling amazing. The fabric is quality–delaying the ‘cheesecloth heel effect’. AND they continue to release new color combos. I am actually an avid fan of the solid black because I can wear a skirt and know one knows I’m wearing socks!…they think it’s tights! I hope. They seriously go higgghhh on those gams and tend to stay up–no garter necessary.

Right now they gots SPECIALS!…

Knee highs–10 dolares (get a 3-pack for $24! ole!)

THIGH HIGHS–15 dolares (3-pack for $36! holy cow!)

http://www.journeys.com

http://www.americanapparel.net

 

GO TUBIN’!…you heard me.

Get ur hair did….free 99 anyone??

So with in the past on-and-off 5 yrs of living in this illustrious city I have learned that you CAN get things for free. You just gots to know where to look boo!! And I’m not just talking tracking down people in times square for that free vitamin water bottle (a 1/3 the size but still good!) I am talking oh I dunno…getting a professional haircut from the likes of Toni & Guy (TIGI) hair salon in NYC…thats what! TIGI is that professional line of products that is always smelling fruity-to-boot(y) and looking considerably brighter on the shelves (aka neon!) next to all other products. You know, all the ‘BEDHEAD’ products?? Anyway, they have been giving me amazing haircuts and color for the past 3/4 months now and only requirement? You serve as a hairmodel. Basically you get your hair and makeup done and you stand in a room as the pro’s talk about whats they didst to make it that purrty. But seriously, I have been to a lot of hairmodelling in the city. Bumble&Bumble, Loreal Professionalle, Nick Arrojo Studios (that guy who does the hair on ‘what not to wear’), all good but none so good as TIGI. With Berry doing your color (a platinum blonde in 30 minutes? pain free? a-maaaazing) you are ALREADY winning!

Note: Don’t fret curly-q’s, they specialize in curls. And scissor-scared? Don’t freak about it being ‘cut too short’ they are pretty magical and LISTEN to what you want. Imagine that! Unlike the time when a certain hair company died my hair black with fucshia and purple highlights-whaaaaat! I scared myself for a week!

Ok so heres the deets…

Casting call——

Fridays 6-7pm

TIGI Hairdressing Academy

673 Madison Ave., 2nd Floor (entrance around corner on 61st st.)

NY, NY babyyyy 10021

212-702-9771

Tigihaircare.com

Toniguy.com

Basically they look you ovah and see if they like you! Tell em lauralee sent you….haha. no don’t do that 😉

PS did i mention they give you 3 free products before you leave?

Macho Whoah-men!

As a follow up to my last post and page ‘how do you spell halloween? Y M C A!’ the Halloween pics are in!…NOT thanks to my quicksnap but to fellow dancer Donielle–aka THE INDIAN. Why are we not dressed as the village people here? That was for the grand finale…and I didn’t get pics of that. But it was a smashhit! I never saw such party-goers! No one under 40 and still living the high life. I definitely saw a 65+ couple leaving a stall in the women’s restroom laughing hysterically with powdered wigs askew. Oh and I DEFINITELY saw a drag queen just spinning in constant circles in the middle of the dance floor–a whirling dervish! Not only that, he was accompanied by catwoman! And by that I don’t JUST mean the costume, this lady had some work done! (elbow, elbow). But hey, I don’t judge! Even if they DID scare me, these dames knew how to kick it! They had so much spring in their step you could not get them OFF the stage for the YMCA. Apparently you CAN ‘do whatever you feeeeel!’. Note: I got to be the officer–just a hat, a jacket, a sequin belt and some greasepaint.

Izquierda to Derecha: French Maid! (Heather White), Showgirl! (Kisa Willis), Cowboy! (RANDY), Can-can girl! (Donielle Janora) and…Wonderwoman?? (Lauralee)

Below–ANOTHER! Just wanted to add one where A) I wasn’t sticking my chestus out and B) Donielle’s lips weren’t black…a makeup quick change or a halloween mystery??….!!!

Below–Randy??!

http://www.randyjonesworld.com

Extra! Extra! E-xxx-tra!

No, it’s not XXX rated buuuuuut I am backup dancing for a village person of the original village PEOPLE–

Could it be the Indian? The Cop? The Construction worker?!

Click on my new page ‘How do you spell Halloween?! Y M C A!!!’ to reveal the mystery…